The first time it happened I was a happy child under the age of ten playing outside with my cousins. We were having a very good time and I was playing in the dirt when all of a sudden my heart started pulsating like a jungle drum. Pretty soon I started gasping for air, sweating profusely and shouting to my grandma that I am dying. My grandma reassured me that everything would be okay but for several days I just knew that something was off in my body. After a while things went back to normal and I was well again.
The second time I got hit by this monstrous beast called panic attack I was fourteen years old, extremely confident, and charismatic. I was a Christian; I was on fire for the Lord. I loved my Jesus and He was all I talk about. I wasn’t living in sin or practicing sin, I was just a teenager who had a lot of nice things going for her with some amount of stress at home. I must confess though that school was my happy place and I indulge myself in a lot of extra curriculum activities.
Now after this solemn and dismal night never returned to backed to normal, at least not in the way I feel in my body. I still functioned very well in my mental capacity and if I should truly speak I can praise the fact that my creativity has increased over the years, all glory to God of course. After a while I stopped having panic attacks but my body still felt like there was a great amount of trauma within. I suffered from daily anxiety for simple things with no apparent reason.
In 2014 one doctor told me that it was very obvious that I have panic anxiety disorder. Then another doctor told me. Even my supervisors at work told me and of course after doing several researches I told myself the same thing. In 2014 I started experiencing really severe panic attacks once more. They got so bad that most time I felt like I was going to just faint, loose control or die. I started purchasing mints a lot and I would seldom leave my house without them, each time I felt like I couldn’t breathe I would just pop one and put it in my mouth. It got so bad that I wouldn’t attend social gatherings anymore and when I do I was praying for it to finish.
Where does my faith come in in all this? I am a woman after God’s heart and I am not saying this to paint a good picture of Ann-Marie I am saying this because I Love my Father and I know My Father loves me. Had I not have the Holy Spirit has my helper I would have probably gone insane or fall into depression. I pray often, I read my bible, I fast and I don’t just do these things for rituals sake I do because I have a relationship with Abba .
In the latter part of 2014 I was at a conference and the Lord told me that the devil wants to sieve me like wheat. God then promised me that I will pass through the waters but I will not drown. He promised me that I will pass through the Fire but I will not get burnt. Time and time again I have prayed to God for him to completely heal me and set me free. One night I had a panic attack in the city and as soon as I went into a taxi I started telling God how good I would be to him and in the kingdom if I didn’t have panic attack. If I remember clearly I even told him that I would feel so invincible if I didn’t have this thorn in my flesh that reminds me of my weakness. I went on and on and told God how good I could be without this affliction in my body but God didn’t say a word to me until I got to a place called Salem. When I reached Salem My Father said to me, “I am not judging you (for having anxiety disorder) My Grace is sufficient in your weakness. For when you are weak then I am strong.” That wasn’t what I wanted to hear and so many times I pray asking God for a quick deliverance. At one point I went from church to church wanting the next healing or delivering evangelist to lay hands on me. Not to mention the fact that I have laid hands on my self several time releasing healing and speaking now healing over me.
One night I told myself that I must have a demon of fear and I need to have him cast out. That night The Lord spoke again and told me that just because I am struggling with fear don’t mean I have a demon of fear living in me. He told me I am wrestling with the demon and that I shouldn’t accept it but rather keep on rejecting it.
Today I am more mature I don’t run from church to church seeking deliverance and I won’t. Christ in me is the Hope of Glory. If I attend a service and I am led to be prayed for I will allow someone to pray for me as I walk by Faith and not by sight.
One thing I can say I am very sure about is that not everyone that suffers from anxiety disorder suffers from it because of some demonic oppression. It can be caused by chemical imbalance, side effects of various medications, stress, and various diseases of the digestive system. Several researches have shown that there is a link between gut health and mental health. Now I will agree that sometimes mental illnesses are a result of demonic oppression or demonic possession but I am bold enough to say not in all cases. This is my conviction and I stand firm on it.
I choose to write this piece tonight because for the second time this year I am reading of a pastor that commits suicide because of depression. The church has kept silent for too long where this is concern. Charles Spurgen was a very anointed man of God and he suffered from depression for most of his adult lives. Not to mention the many people in churches today who are keeping silent because they are afraid of being ridiculed or judged for not having enough faith.
I know how it feels to feel like you have to be quiet because you are afraid of being open with your challenges. Now personally I have never taken medication for anxiety and my doctor actually encouraged me to start a campaign to help those suffering from anxiety and depression etc etc. I believe I will, in fact this may very well be the start of it all. Now let me clear something suffering from anxiety disorder is certainly different from worrying about the future. I am filled with Faith and I honestly take some big step of Faith sometimes so much so that I am blown away in the end and this is one of the reasons I know it has nothing to do with my Faith. If there is ever a person God walks with, I am most certain He walks with me.
Mankind is body, soul and Spirit and if we neglect any one of these we are going to suffer the consequences. That is the reason why we should eat, pray and love. Amen? I very seldom get a panic attack anymore but when I do it can happen anywhere, while sitting down, cooking, cleaning the house or even when I am with a close friend I love. Now as I said I don’t get them often and that is due to prayer, breathing exercise etc etc. It is also due to more sleep, less stressful work on my body, more water and good vitamins and minerals.
Now even though I seldom get these full blown panic attacks I still can sense the anxiety in my body 90.99 % of the time. I know it’s there and it does affect my overall productivity and what I wish to do in life in so many ways. Now as best as I can and with total dependence on God I try to do what I have to do and I push pass the pain. I know that me staying strong will help another person to stay strong and not give in or commit suicide or something of that like. I don’t suffer from depression, I have being tempted to fall into that state several times but I have never given in and I will not. I will not because I have work to do and people to inspire. God has work for me to do. God has called me to preach the gospel and I will continue to preach it with Love and Compassion because that is the only way God will allow me to use His Power.
I believe in divine healing and I know God heals but if you are reading this right now and you are suffering from major depression and you want to take medication for it by all means go ahead and do that. Listen no one would tell a person having an asthmas attack to throw away their inhaler and therefore I won’t tell you to throw away your medication. You taking medication don’t mean that you lack faith. Me not taking any form of medication doesn’t necessarily mean that I have more faith than you it’s just that this is my personal choice. Know that Jesus loves you, He is not judging you. He wants to help you. Take very good care of yourself and allow yourself to shine for the world to see so that they can draw close to The I am that I am.
(DAUGHTER OF DESTINY)
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Ever since the tender age of three I came to know God as God. At the age of fourteen I got to know Him as my savior and healer. At age eighteen I came to know him as my provider and protector but throughout the course of my life something very fundamental was missing. I did not know God has my Father. I tried very hard to come into this level of intimacy but I just couldn't. I searched the scriptures and went to church but every few weeks I would listen to teachings that contradicts this level of Intimacy. I was at a lost in my life and thus I would found myself on a roller coaster ride. This minute I would believe God love me and the next minute I was trying to work for His Love.
I did all this because I would heard things like, "you have to fast more for His Power. You have to pray more, read your Bible more and attend church every time the church door opens." Now Beloved Children I am all for attending church and reading the bible but a person can do all that and still be like a white wash sepulcher. Who is a more perfect example than the pharisee's of old?
"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life.…John 5:39-40
Now it got to point in my Life where I got to know God as Father but always I would allow the teachings of man to affect this level of intimacy. A few days ago God told me He wanted me to enter His Rest but even after reading Hebrews chapter four I still didn't know how to get there. One brother told me that I can be a faithful christian and still not experience God's favor but I didn't quite understand what he was trying to say until a few days ago. One morning I woke up and listen to Pastor Joseph Prince and so much was imparted onto me. I do not have to work for God's Love but more so I need to be very careful of the things I allow people to speak into my life. While preaching Pastor Prince said that He would rather go to the movies than listen to what some people call the gospel and parents should Be very careful of what they allow their children to listen to. Now to a religious person this may sound like blasphemy But I will have to agree with him.
Yesterday I thought to myself that the true gospel is not widely spread or accepted in my country and more than likely in many countries of the world today.Many who do preach the true gospel are shunned as false prophets just like Jesus was. The gospel of Grace is simple but religious folks do not like this because their bank accounts wont benefit from it. Many pastors tell their members to trust God when they themselves are not trusting Him. They manipulate the people of God, put them in a box while trying to build a building instead of building the Kingdom of God. Many of these pastors and teaches don't even care about the children of God, they are like wolves in sheep clothing. They draw people unto them instead of showing them the way of Christ. I have seen members who showed more honor to pastor than unto God.
Some of the teachings that go forth from the pulpit are the very reason why many in churches today are struggling instead of entering the rest of God. Some leaders manipulate believers into sowing seeds of their requested amount and some will even use Malachi chapter three to convince new Testament Believers that they are cursed with a curse if they don''t throw that 10 %.They do all these things for selfish gain instead of telling believers Galatians 3:12-14 However, the Law is not of faith; on the contrary, "HE WHO PRACTICES THEM SHALL LIVE BY THEM." Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us-- for it is written, "CURSED IS EVERYONE WHO HANGS ON A TREE "--in order that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we would receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.
Now many of these pastors would rather tell their members to sow a specific amount to their ministry instead of telling them 2 Corinthians 9:7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
Some churches today would rather tell you to purchase their prayer Book and fast 21 days for your healing instead of telling you that your healing Is apart of the finished work of the cross. Isaiah 53:5 "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."
Now I will admit that some of these pastors and teachers are ignorant of the true gospel however some don't want to change as the law works Best for their ministry and bank accounts. Many people who go to these churches live in condemnation even for sins committed long before they even accepted Christ. Many people go to these churches and end up suffering from depression and many other illnesses. Some even go as far as prophesying for their so called enemies to die instead of forgiving them and praying for their salvation.
I could go on and on with all that is on my heart but I wont. The truth of the matter is for the past few days I have experienced God in ways that I have never experienced Him before. Many years ago God told me that He wanted me to preach the gospel of Grace which is the finished work of the cross. In today's society especially here in Jamaica that is not a very good message to preach because you stand the risk of being called a false prophet but I can no longer agree with pastors and teachers who utter words of death over peoples life instead of speaking a word of hope and restoration for the lost. I also know that I myself can no longer sit under ministries that contradicts with the teachings of Jesus Christ. The law kills the best of us but Grace saves the worst of us. Jesus took the place of Barabbas so that we could take His place. Jesus took the place of that thief next door to him on the cross so that we could take His place. Jesus took our place so that we could become the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. That in and of itself is a gift, unearned and undeserved, paid for by Jesus Christ. I live my life in obedience to Him not because I am scared of going to hell but because I love Him. It's all out of love and intimacy not fear. John 14:15 If you love Me, you will keep My commandments
I have finally entered into His Rest and His Love and His Grace is going to keep me there. Now I truly Know Him as MY FATHER AND MY REST.
I PRAY TODAY THAT YOU WILL COME TO KNOW HIM AS YOUR REST IN JESUS NAME AMEN.
Daughter of Destiny.
👌He doesnt care about age, no wonder he blessed Abraham.
👌He doesnt care about experience, no wonder he chose David.
👌He doesnt care about gender, no wonder he lifted Esther.
👌He doesnt care about your past, no wonder he called Paul.
👌He doesnt care about your physical appearance, no wonder he chose Zacchaeus(the short one).
👌He doesnt care whether you are fluent in speech , no wonder he chose Moses.
👌He doesnt care about your career, no wonder he befriended Mary Magdalene.
👌He doesnt care about class, no wonder he sent his own Son on earth.
All I know is that my God never changes
👌He never made a promise he wouldnt keep
He never saw a person he wouldnt help
👌He never heard a prayer he wouldnt answer
He never found a soul he wouldnt love
👌He never found a sinner he wouldnt forgive
What an awesome God we serve..!!